Hermione's pain
by Raven's magic
Summary: How can Hermione cope when everyone she loves is dead? lots of deaths and no Harry or Ron


(I own nothing please R/R cause i don't know wheather to write more or not, Raven)

I can't remember a time when I knew what was what and who was who. Who my friends were and who my enemies were. Times have changed, I have changed, but still I fight. Still I live. Once it was easy my friends where those who cared for me, about me. My enemies those who hurt me or my friends. But now people I have trusted for years are the ones hurting me, hunting me. The ones once my enemies are the ones helping me, protecting me. I do not understand the changes I only go with them, I have to. To live. I do not know who I am anymore only that I can feel nothing. I don't laugh. Don't cry. Don't smile. Don't love. I am barely alive. There is no hope for me, I only fight to win. In memory of those who lost. My true friends are the ones who are dead. For twenty years I have fought, on witch side I do not know, there have been many losses all of them killed me inside. But now I stand alone. I do not let anyone in for fear of their life. That is the only thing I do feel. Fear. But for now I have to hold on, keep living. Keep trying. I was dead inside survivor's guilt they called it, my fault I said. They weren't there. They didn't watch the people they loved die. The people I still love. I live at 12 grimmauld place with only three others, Molly Weasley, Luke and Tara, but I had people coming in every day I was at the centre of it all. Harry Potter had left the house to me in his will. We all had a will even at the age of 16 we had all had wills, that was how it was, how it has been for the last 23 years. We all ways had to be ready to die, to never see each other again. We had been together for 20 out of 23 years then Ron, Harry, Ginny, Fred, Gorge, Bill, Fleur, Charlie and Percy all died in the same attack. I had lived but lost my left arm and my best friends. I was lucky. I was alive. Just. There were battles every day, more deaths, more suffering. Now I had to work along side the ministry for magic instead of outside them or even, as it had been once, against them. I did not care, they had accepted the voldemort was back to late. They were to blame for most of the deaths as far as I was concerned. But it was them or death, I chose to live. I chose to hold my head high in the face of death instead of being dragged in to face it scared and weak. I would rather die trying than die giving in. But still I wished now and again that things were different. It does no do good to dwell on the past, I found that out the hard way. Three years ago there had been a big attack planed but someone had found out, someone on his side. We had been beaten back, killed and destroyed. Only 1000 or so of our 15,000 strong army had lived. Me included, but only just. No one had escaped with out some kind of physical injury and then there was the mental turmoil of losing all those allies and friends, people who we had know and cared about and even loved. It was losing Ron for me that really did it, made me what I am now. A shell nothing more, nothing less. I had loved him and he had loved me. For years we had been together first as friends then as lovers and finally as husband and wife. Our first child had died in labour. Our second, Willow, my daughter had died in the same fight as her farther. The fact he and Willow had died together had ripped me apart inside I no longer cared about anyone or anything I just kept fighting. Just kept trying. It only hit me about a year ago that they were dead, I was numb up until then. But I had been fighting another young death eater only about 18 or 19. I killed him, I had to he would have kill me, he nearly did. But just before I killed him I saw the look in his eyes sadness, fear, pain, loss. He looked how I had felt all that time. Then it hit me. Then I died.

"Hermione" Someone shouted up the stairs snapping me out of my thoughts. Foot steps started coming up the stairs.

"Yes. Who is it?" I shouted back down to them. I felt the familiar flicker of fear that meant a battle was coming but I pushed it away.

"It's Luke. Are you ok?" Came a voice I knew well. Luke was a member of the order of the phoenix. He was the only one who could, or would, talk to me about it, the only person I would talk to about what had happened.

"Yes I'm fine" I said as I slowly got up off the floor where I had been for the last day and a half. He came round the door and seeing the look of pain on my face came over and helped me to stand up.

"Why were you on the floor?" he asked speciously wondering if I was ok and, knowing me to well, wondering whether or not I had eaten in the last day or so.

"Really I'm fine" I said with a forced smile.

"Have you eaten at all?" He asked as I wavered on my feet. I looked sheepishly up at him. He _did _knowme to well.

"Well no not exactly" I told him after a moment looking even guiltier. I knew I need the strength food gave me if I was to survive this next fight.

"Come on there's food down stairs" he said starting to walk out of the room. I shivered going down would mean seeing Molly, seeing the look of sadness and disappointment she gave me. She had blamed me, at first, for not saving her sons or daughter and even though she had said sorry I could tell that she still did. It was hard for me to see that. However if any of their names was mentioned by anyone, she dropped what ever she was holding and started to cry looking at me like I was filth. I could hardly take it. Some of the others had tried to comfort me but most of them blamed them selves anyway. We all did inside. A few people had killed them selves after, not able to live with out their loved ones. I had tried. It was the first Christmas after, it was too much for me. But now I had learnt to cope with it by shutting everything out. All the pain and hurt and grief and every other dam feeling I had. I told my self wasn't real, that it was my mind playing tricks on me. Now after many more battles and fights it really was true I could not feel anything other than fear and physical pain, oh and anger. But sometimes, not often, when I was alone and had just been though another fight or battle, I would cry for hours and hours I would cry and cry and cry until I could not cry anymore because there were no tears left. It was at times like that I _had_ to have someone with me otherwise I would try to kill my self again. Luke was the only person who would stay with me. He was the only person who believed I could come back for the strange land my mind had sunk into now. But I couldn't let him in, I _wouldn't _let him in because I knew if I did he would end up dead. As I walked into the kitchen Molly looked up at me. She was a lot older now and her hair was gray, her eye had black rings around them and she had lost the sparkle in her eyes she had once had. That had gone when she had lost her husband Arthur Weasley he had died 6 months ago. I had not cried for him. I had already shut down inside. I didn't feel it.

"What would you like for breakfast?" She asked in the same voice she always used when talking to me. It was nervous, like she was afraid I would start to shout like I had done at first, and all most angry as well but somewhere in there I herd concern, not much mind you but enough to keep me from really killing my self. It was partly for the small sound of concern and the bit of love she gave me that I hadn't ended up dead. I had always told my self, before fights, I had to live for her, so she wouldn't be alone.

"Some toast" I said not hungry after thinking for a minuet.

"Is that all?" she asked her concern for me now clear. That helped me feel, but only a bit.

"Um ok could I have some eggs, bacon and beans? Oh and toast as well" I said with a bit more hunger

"Now that's better" she said with a small smile as she turned back to the cooker. I watched her cooking for a minuet or two then I looked down at the table and started to carve little figures into it. My first one came out like Ron I hastily scratched it out not wanting to up set anyone. I started doing stars instead. After another 10 minuets Molly placed a big plate full of food in front of me that I very quickly started on.

"Thanks Molly" I said forcing my self to smile at her.

"That's ok dear. The meeting will start in half an hour and we may well leave as early as 2 hours time" she said looking grimmer.

"Today?" I asked shocked. We normally gave it a day or two to get ready and everything.

"Yes dear. I take it your coming?" she asked knowing I had been in one of my states for the last day.

"Yes. Are you?" I said resignedly not wanting to go but the memory for my friends driving me on.

"Yes" She said. I looked up at her in surprise. She hadn't gone since Arthur's death 6 months ago.

"Are you sure?" I asked her. She was the only mother like person I had now I didn't want to lose her.

"Yes I need to go this time, it's going to be a big attack" she added. I looked up at her in fear. There hadn't been a big attack for 3 years not since my one. Oh did I tell you I was the one who sent my best friends to die. They all told me I wasn't my fault after, but I knew it was. You see for years I had been the one giving the orders, being the one with the most logical brain it made sense, sending people out to battle. Killing them. I never saw it that way until I had to organize the full attack. Then I knew it mattered what happened. But still it wasn't until after, when we had lost so much, I saw what I was doing. People die, they told me, if you send them into war their going to die, they said, your not to blame. I told them I was that it was my fault that I as good as kill my best friends. I hated my self for it, I always would.

"Oh ok" I said fear starting to rise up inside me. I did not want to die, I did not mind. Part of me had longed for death and the rest it would bring but the other part of me wanted revenge for my friend's lives that _had_ been taken. The revenge part of me was bigger, but only just. I knew I would die soon enough, a week, a month, a year. Soon enough I would just be another one on a list of names. That scared me. The fact that everyone who had died was just on a list. For all their bravery and courage and strength the only record of them or their sacrifice was a list. No graves, No memorials, No nothing. I hated that, my friends the ones I loved had nothing to say how wonderfully brave and loyal they were. I didn't care about me when I died, I didn't deserve anything. It was just for them, they deserved it. When they were gone I had blamed my self. I still do most of the time. If I don't blame me then I blame Voldemort and his death eaters. I hated them everyone one of them and I had vowed to my self that if I ever came across Voldemort I would kill him. We had found and destroyed 6 out of 7 horcruxs but the last one was in voldemort him self, so I would kill him. I hated him more that I had ever hated anything it was him who had killed Harry and Ron. He was as good as dead if I ever saw him. I turned me attention back to eating. I had tears in my eyes but I wouldn't let my self cry, if I did then I would be here for days. I couldn't miss this fight everyone took me closer to finding and killing Voldemort. I finished eating as the first few people started to arrive for the meeting. There was mad-eye moody, he had lived so far, there was Alex, a boy who had just joined, and many others who I did not know.

"Hermione would you help me direct?" asked mad-eye. I was shocked. It had been years since I had help direct ever since I had killed all those people.

"No I- I can't. No" I stuttered suddenly afraid of what I would do how many more I would kill.

"Fine, but you could do it well" he said almost disappointed. I lost it.

"WELL!" I screeched "WELL! IN CASE YOU DIDN'T SEE LAST TIME I KILLED HALF OUR ARMY!" I yelled at the top of my lungs terrified and angry at the same time. "YOU'RE MAD! CRAZY! INSANE!" I screamed and started to run up stairs.

"No he's not" Came a voice half hesitant as if scared I would go off the wall again. I froze. It was Alex.


End file.
